Tag Archives: Mr/Ms Right

“What is an Unhealthy Romantic Love?”

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Fig. 3.1 “A Couple Having a Fight” by David Castillo Dominici (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

    A true romantic love is said to be a sincere and based on mutual self-giving. People must avoid a one-sided affair where one partner in a romantic relationship is just using the other to satisfy his or her own needs. Sadly, there are people who allow this type of love and allow their partners to manipulate them, most probably because of lack of options. This situation is particularly true for people who desperately look for a romantic partner despite being used by the other. A person who is single with mature age or a young person who is pressured by his or her peer group and relatives to have a boyfriend or girlfriend may cling to an unhealthy or one-sided romantic love. As the following lyrics of the song “I can’t live without you” by the Bad Company illustrate:

The first time you deceived me, it nearly broke my heart
What hurts me most was I’m the last to know
So lately I’ve been thinking, thinking ’bout you
I know deep in my heart you had to go

Last night when I told you, you looked into my eyes
A wicked smile just spread across your face
You know I can’t resist you, no matter what you do
The way you treat me babe, it’s a disgrace [1]

According to the great Winston Churchill, an “[i]mmature love says, I love you because I need you, mature love says, I need you because I love you.” A true and mature romantic relationship does not use the other for selfish reasons. True love allows both partners to grow as persons and does not manipulate or use the other. Here’s an example of a one-sided and an unhealthy type of romantic relationship. The lack of option is one important reason why people stay in a one-sided love affair. Obviously, this type of romance is not true love:

     “I don’t really know if I can call it love, but I really care for this guy in my college. I had always been a reserved, socially awkward individual. I never really dated any guy in my school years because I couldn’t even look in the eyes of a man without blushing!… However, I am a changed person today—more confident, smart, straight forward and honest. This guy in my college was the FIRST guy who told me “I am falling for you”. He told me he thought I was beautiful. It took over a month to finally tell him a yes, because I was afraid if he would hurt my feeble heart. The thing about me is that if I love, I love unconditionally….And so we spend a lot of time together and during one of our conversations he told me about his psychological condition—he had split personality, was a socially disconnected individual and couldn’t handle relationships. He told me about how his “falling in love” phase lasted only four hours to a few days… But the more I knew about his flaws, the more I loved him.

      Over time, I empathized so much with him that I ended up mirroring his emotions and his personality… I also realized that the only reason he sticks around with me is because 1) I am regularly at work and is a good student at college. Hence, I can inform him of assignments to be submitted and college holidays. 2) He said he can’t afford a girlfriend at the moment and I am available at a ‘cheaper price’ and mostly free because I don’t demand for anything. 3) I am a girl and he is a guy and he can satisfy his ‘needs’….

      No! This is certainly not the way I wanted a man to love me. But I continued to remain in this one-sided, broken relationship in the craving and greed for the temporary happiness I gained when I was with him. I’ve lost all my self-respect; I have begun to value him more than I value myself. I know this isn’t good, but I just can’t get over him and I just don’t seem to find the true love I have been looking for my entire 19 years [2].

      Love and intimacy go hand in hand in romantic love. But this must be felt by both partners. Love is the physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or social affection one person holds for another, while intimacy is the close relationship of two people where mutual acceptance, nurturance, and trust are shared at some level.

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Photo credit: Freedigitalphotos.net

   But not all romantic relationships can blossom into real love. Because of some psychological issues faced by people in romantic love as well as incompatibilities in terms of personal trait and character between lovers, the initial feeling of love or infatuation can turn into an “unhealthy” romantic relationship. People who experience the following types of love are advised to leave the relationship and move on to search their true and meaningful love.

    The most common types of unhealthy romantic love include obsessive love, unrequited love, and deceptive love.

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Source: Saved from hug2love.com (Pinterest)

References

 [1] http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/badcompany/icantlivewithoutyou.html.

[2] “I am in Love” by Nandana96 in www.experienceproject.com.

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What Makes Women Sexy? (Part II)

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 Photo credit: shutterstock.com

     Love in the sense of sexual passion is a common feature of societies. But romantic love is different from sexual love. Romantic love is all about emotional communication and the attractiveness of the other. It carries with it the idea of intimacy because one falls in love specifically with the qualities of the other. It tells a forward-looking story or narrative about the lovers and creates a biography, not just for one person, but for two people (Giddens & Pierson, 1998). Sexual love is temporary and focused on physical attraction and beauty of the partners and not on the quality of the romantic relationship and  personal traits and personalities of the lovers. Falling in love is the beginning of love, but not the end in itself. Here is another set of physical traits that make women sexy and attractive to men:

  1. Less Makeup

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 Fig. 2 “Asian Woman Relaxing on the Grass” by Feelart (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

This criterion is cultural. It depends on one’s culture. In remote, rural areas, make up is not necessary. But if one is living in a highly urbanized place or in the corporate world, makeup is necessary. Just avoid too much makeup.  Applying a make-up on the face can enhance the woman’s beauty and attract the attention from men. But too much make-up can be a turn off. Some studies revealed that men tend to be attracted to women who have less makeup.

     3. Nice Butt

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 Fig. 3 “Sensual Woman Wearing Black Corset” by stockimages (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

      Based on various studies and one recently done by Cosmopolitan, the sexiest part of female body parts is not the boobs as popularly believed by many people. According to this study, the second female body part that men find the sexiest is the butt. Women can make up for a lack of chest with their butt. Surveys showed that men can be happy with all sorts of shapes and sizes when it comes down to the bottom. An attractive butt is a sign of the woman’s health, vitality and fertility. It can also imply that “a woman has a narrow waist, she’s not pregnant. And if she has broad hips it means that the underlying skeletal morphology is probably such that she’d be able to have a relatively unencumbered childbirth.” Moreover, the fat stored in women’s butts — called gluteofemoral fat — has unique long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids  that are important for babies’ brain development. A nice butt can also indicate the partner’s l good health condition.

      3. Big Chests and Breasts

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 Fig. 4 “Big Breasts on the Work” by Patrisyu (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

      Men are generally attracted to big chests and breasts. Revealing cleavage can definitely attract men to their women. “Since a long time back, it has been believed that men are attracted to women who are healthy and are able to reproduce. Breasts are a sign of fertility as they portray the notion that the woman would be able to bear children as well as nourish them.” Men are less drawn to women’s breasts in tropical climates than in cold climates. Men from cultures whose women are always fully clothed in public, tend to be especially ‘appreciative’ of a lady’s bosoms.

     4. Beautiful Lips

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 Fig. 5 “Girl Applying Red Lip Gloss to her Lips” by Stuart Miles (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

     Lips is another female body part that men find sexy. Fuller and plumber looking lips really make a man take a second glance. One study carried by scientists at Manchester University involving the tracking of the eye movement of 50 men as they were presented with images of women revealed that participants spent more time gazing at the women’s lips that other parts of the face. This is particularly true when the women applied lipstick. They spent an average of 7 seconds for the lips, 0.95 second for the eyes, and 0.85 studying the hair. They specifically attracted to women with full lips wearing red lipstick. This study proved that the lips can be one of the most sensual aspects of a woman’s body which can play a crucial role in human sexual attraction.

      5. Beautiful Smile

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 Fig. 6 (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

      Men are most attracted to a woman’s smile because it shows that the man is making them happy. Not many men are able to resist a beautiful smile from a woman. Women’s beautiful smile can also charm men, and serve as an invitation to them to establish friendship or romantic relationship with them. A study at the University of British Columbia found that men are more attracted to women who smiled more. But women are less attracted to men who tend to smile and prefer guys who keep a straight face. The song “Words” by the Bee Gees captured the charm of a woman’s  smile to men:

“Smile an everlasting smile,
A smile can bring you near to me
Don’t ever let me find you gone
‘Cause that could bring a tear to me….”

     6. Curvy  Hips

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Fig. 7 “Sexy Woman Ass In Black Thong” by stockimages (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

          A girl or woman with a curved hip is generally seen by men as sexy. There is too much billboards and advertisements showing women with curved hips that has molded the consciousness of the male species that a curvy woman is sexy. ‘A girl who flaunts with a curved hip is just proving to men that she knows how to move, and there’s nothing a guy finds sexier than that. Surveys showed that men prefer women with curvier hips – the more meat the better.

     7. Nice Stomach

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Fig. 8 “Elegant Woman Posing In Black Lingerie” Stock Photo (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

       The men surveyed were all attracted to the softness of the skin in the torso area and most of them said they love some abdomen and muscle definition, but not too much—they want to see a little feminine curve there.

     Please follow this blog for more scientific insights on romance and romantic love. Next post: Why Color Red Makes People Sexy?

What Makes Women Sexually Attractive to Men? (Part 1)

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Photo credit: Freedigitalphotos.net

Introduction

    Men fall in love with women for some reasons. It is not accidental. The first meeting may be accidental, but developing strong feelings for the other is based on their socialization or upbringing in the past. True love does not happen during the first encounter or date. It develops through time, after one partner realizes the personality, values, attitudes, and outlook in life of the other. But it can begin with the first sight of the other. But the attraction is not primarily biological but social. A man can easily fall with a woman if it reminds him of some traits or experiences he encountered in the past. To some researchers,  a man can fall in love with a woman if one or some of the following traits or acts are present during the first encounter.

     1. Bone Structure that Resembles that of their Mother.

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     This is known as “sexual imprinting” coined by researchers. Mothers’ presence and child care during formative years have a strong effect for men. The physical structure and image of the mother has a strong influence to men’s choice on the type of women they would fall in love with. Women who resemble in personal and physical traits with their male partners’ mothers can most likely get the attention from men they fall in love with. With regard to physical attributes, some research suggest that men would most likely fall in love with women whose bone structure resembles that of their mothers. Of course, this theory presupposes that this type of men had good nurturing experience with their mothers during childhood and formative years. If not, then men would fall in love with women whose bone structure resembles with that of their surrogate mothers or women who took good care of them during childhood. The bone structure of the women during the first encounter or date would immediately remind the male partners of their mother’s image and physical presence. Most Japanese men love to be pampered by their mothers as part of their culture. Thus, they would most likely fall in love with women whose physical presence, such as similarity of bone structure, can remind them of their nurturing mothers.

  1. Low Waist-to-Hip Ratio

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Fig 1. “Woman with Jewelry and Long Hair” by Marin (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Low waist-to-hip ratio (in which the waist is significantly narrower that the hips) as more attractive than those with wider waists. Researchers at University of Texas found that women with a good waist-to-hip ratio may subconsciously signal that a woman has good health and reproductive ability.

  1. Youthful Features

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Fig 2. (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

    A study from the journal Current Anthropology found that men from five different cultures showed a preference for females with youthful features like large eyes, a small nose, and full lips. The findings showed that men subconsciously seek out partners who are most likely to reproduce. Youthful features of women are related to their level of fertility and capacity to produce offspring.

    Not all men, however, are attracted to youthful partners. This depends of the socialization and family experience of the partner. Men or women who are very close to their nurturing fathers or mothers tend to be attracted to more mature features of their partners. These are the kind of people who are looking for a “father or mother figure” in their romantic relationships to remind them of their nurturing experience during childhood and adolescence.

   4. Long or Moderately Long Hair

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  Fig 3. “Close-up Shot of Beauty Woman in Designer Blue Top” by  Photostock (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

      Women with moderately long hair or anything close to shoulder length as that looks feminine. However, there are men who fall in love with women with short hair. A person’s hair contributes a lot to the final appearance of the person. The hair has an aesthetic function. That’s why the beauty parlor business is attractive to women. A woman’s hair is often thought of as a defining feature of her femininity. Depending on the man’s wish list, a beautiful hair is an important women’s asset to get men’s attention. A long straight hair is usually attractive to men, although there are some guys who prefer a short one. Women do a lot of things on their hair to alter their looks and convey their personality to men.

  1. Beautiful Eyes

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  Fig 4. “A Portrait of Attractive Asian Woman” by Tiverylucky (Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

      The eyes are the windows of the soul. Nothing attracts a man other than beautiful eyes, pair of blue, hazel or brown eyes are actually the killer, provides calm, comfort and warmth to the males. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the chest or bust as the number one female part that men find most attractive but the eyes. According to Cosmopolitan, men ranked the eyes as the top body part because no matter how different the taste can be—about hair, chest butt, legs, feet—every man can be disarmed with a sexy glance. The eyes are aid to be the window of the soul. The lyrics of the monster hit “For the First Time” by Kenny Loggins captures the importance of women’s eyes for men who fall in time on the first encounter:

“For The First Time”

Are those your eyes, is that your smile
I’ve been lookin at you forever
But I never saw you before
Are these your hands holdin’ mine
Now I wonder how I could of been so blind

For the first time I am looking in your eyes
For the first time I’m seein’ who you are
I can’t believe how much I see
When you’re lookin back at me
Now I understand why love is…
Love is… for the first time..

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Part II of this post will explore how the color red, make-up, and other things can make women attractive. Follow this blog for more update on its Romantic Love Series. Thanks for your support and cheers!

No One “Wish List” for the Right Partner

 

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Figure 1: Choosing the right partner is cultural. The ideal partner is defined by one’s local culture. (“Pre Wedding” by  arztsamui [Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net])

Choosing the right partner is closely connected with one’s cultural taste and socialization in life. Every individual has his/her own “wish list” of traits they hope to find from their suitors, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses or lovers. In sociology, every person undergoes a socialization process or social upbringing in order to become a productive human being in a particular society. A person’s “wish List” of an ideal romantic partner is influenced by his/her socialization to romantic love, particularly by his/her exposure to love, from childhood up to the moment s/he starts to fall in love. A person who is socially isolated and rarely exposed to romanticism, for instance, would be less interested in romance than one who is addicted to romantic film, novel, music and other romantic materials. And since the process of social learning is a lifelong process, this wish list is also evolving as the person matures with age and moves up in social stature. Young people, for instance, usually have a wish list of an ideal boyfriend and girlfriend, which is more focused on looks or physical traits, while older adults are more focused on financial stability, compatibility, commitment, and social standing of the partner. Without some sort of a strong spiritual and cultural belief or tradition that binds the love relationship, people can fall out of love with their partners and file a divorce  because of some changes of their wish list through time. According to Benjamin Disraeli, the “first magic of love is our ignorance that it can ever end.”  A young man who married his sexy sweetheart may fall out of love during midlife when he observed that his wife has become obese or physically unattractive due to work or motherhood and may look for another partner who is  younger and  more attractive than his wife.

Despite the change of one’s wish list due to changes in age and life situations, it is also possible that a person still maintains some desirable psychological traits of an ideal romantic partner in life. Some research studies show that a person’s positive or negative experience with their parents or family life can determine his or her ideal qualities of an ideal partner. Thus, a girl who is close to her own nurturing father may be looking for a partner or father figure who also possesses this type of personality trait. As Charles A. Stoddard would put it: “We love in others what we lack ourselves, and would be everything but what we are.”

On Physical Traits

Romantic love often begins with physicality. People are embodied beings and communicate with the world through their bodies. In cultures where marriages are arranged, physicality is not a major problem in the selection of partners. But in urban and advanced societies with strong emphasis on romantic love and falling in love before marriage, physical looks play an important role in the selection of partners. Research has shown that it only takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes for a person to fall in love at first sight or fancy someone. And what usually attracts the person during this moment is not what the other says, but what his or her presence projects through body language (55%) and the tone and speed of the voice (38%). The content of what the person says is only 7%.

There has to be some sort of physical basis before two strangers fall in love. People have some minimum standards of beauty which he or she learned through social learning. This is usually attuned to his or her cultural upbringing and taste. Thus, “loving one’s own” is a common pattern in falling in love. People with similar culture, race, ethnicity, social class, religion, geographical location, and social categories usually more disposed to fall in love with each than those with more dissimilarities and cultural incompatibilities. Cultural similarities reduce a lot of social barriers that make the love relationship easier to maintain. A study published in the journal  Psychological Science found that men who live in cultures where food and money are scarce tend to find heavier women more attractive than thinner ones. These men may see the extra pounds as a status symbol; a buxom figure signals having the means to purchase plenty of food.

People with similar cultural background share similar standards of beauty and are, therefore, more likely to fall in love than complete cultural strangers. Of course, with the advent of digital technology and the Internet, people’s standards of physical beauty may become hybrid or mixed, especially to those who are heavy users of the multi-cultural world wide web. Cultural diffusion through the Internet can change people’s standards of beauty and love and can make them accepting of foreign standards of falling in love.

It’s probable that a person “falls in love for the first time” because of the physical presence of the other as resembling somebody, whether real or imagined, whom he or she idolizes or had a crush, whether a celebrity, a friend, former classmate or officemate or anybody he or she had been attracted to. The person’s wish list of an ideal romantic partner immediately become active during the first encounter and “falls in love” with somebody he or she has not been known acquainted with. Although popularly considered as “love at first sight”, experts and moralists do not generally consider this as love but infatuation and only a first step towards true love. Using biological theory, Helen Fisher of Rutgers University also considers “love at first sight” as only the first of the 3 stages of love: lust, attraction and attachment. For her, the first stage of love is only lust. This is the amazing moment when two people are driven by the sex hormones of testosterone and estrogen. In the second stage, the couple is truly love-struck and can think of little else. And in the third and attachment stage, the couple is bonded together long enough to have and raise children.